The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature. Here is the basic Proust Questionnaire, which our Chief Inspiration Officer, Waddlesworth, has graciously agreed to answer as a way to introduce himself. We’re still stunned that he agreed as he would much rather give his opinions instead of insights into his character.
| What is your idea of perfect happiness? | Being universally acknowledged as the intellectual superior of every creature within a five-mile radius. Preferably while sipping chamomile from a thimble |
| What is your greaest fear? | That I’ll die before someone finally writes my memoirs. Working title: Waddlesworth: The Tuxedoed Marvel, The Myth, The Legend. |
| What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? | Occasional moments of humility. They’re terribly inconvenient and ruin my brand. |
| What is the trait you most deplore in others? | Loud chewing. And louder opinions. Especially when both come from the same gull. |
| Which person do you most admire? | Myself, obviously. But if I must choose another: the late, great Maggie Smith. She weaponized dignity like a pro. |
| What is your greatest extravagance? | Custom-tailored capes. For dramatic exits. And entrances. And mid-conversation twirls. |
| What is your current state of mind? | Mildly indignant. Elegantly alert. Ready to correct someone. |
| What do you consider the most overrated virtue? | Politeness. Especially when it’s used to mask cowardice or avoid hard truths. |
| On what occasion do you lie? | When surrounded by gulls. One must do what one must to stop these conniving eggs thieves. |
| What do you most dislike about your appearance? | Nothing. I’m a vision. Though I wouldn’t mind a bit more iridescence. For flair. |
| Which person do you most despise? | Anyone human or animal that speaks over others with confidence but no content |
| What is the quality you most like in a man? | The ability to listen without interrupting. Or breathing too loudly. |
| What is the quality you most like in a woman? | A sharp wit, sharper eyeliner, and zero tolerance for nonsense |
| Which words or phrases do you most overuse? | “Technically speaking…” and “I’m surrounded by buffoons.” |
| What or who is the greatest love of your life? | My reflection. It understands me. |
| When and where were you happiest? | The moment I realized I wasn’t a gull. It was like winning the genetic lottery. |
| Which talent would you most like to have? | Flight. Not for escape—just for dramatic entrances. |
| If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? | I’d like the ability to roll my eyes audibly. |
| What do you consider your greatest achievement? | Surviving. We are critically endangered after all. |
| If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? | The Minister of Environment, Forestry and Fisheries so I could pass regulations that have real impact on the survival of my species. Political posturing gives me frightful indigestion. |
| Where would you most like to live? | Anywhere with velvet curtains, intelligent company, and zero gulls. |
| What is your most treasured possession? | My artificial nest. Who knews humans could be so clever? |
| What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? | Being forced to share the sand with someone who says “irregardless.” |
| What is your favorite occupation? | Correcting others. With flair. |
| What is your most marked characteristic? | My voice. It’s like Shakespeare and sarcasm had a baby. |
| What do you most value in your friends? | Discretion. And the ability to keep up with my references. |
| Who are your favorite writers? | Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker, and anyone who knows the difference between “your” and “you’re.” |
| Who is your hero of fiction? | The mirror in Snow White. Finally, a character who understands the importance of being right. |
| Which historical figure do you most identify with? | Lord Byron. His ability to turn existential angst into poetic gold (or at least a very compelling bray). Possibly too clever for his own good, but never too clever to stop talking about it. |
| Who are your heroes in real life? | Anyone who can walk into a room and silence it with a single eyebrow. |
| What are your favorite names? | Waddlesworth, naturally. Also Bartholomew, Tallulah, and anything that sounds like it belongs in a scandal. |
| What is it that you most dislike? | Mediocrity. And soggy toast. |
| What is your greatest regret? | Entertaining even a moment of self-doubt. It was ghastly. I cured it with a sonnet. |
| How would you like to die? | Mid-soliloquy. With a spotlight. And a gasp from the audience. |
| What is your motto? | “Never blend in when you were born to strut.” |