The Proust Questionnaire began as a Victorian parlor game that Marcel Proust, the French novelist and master of introspection, helped make famous. He believed that by answering a set of deceptively simple questions, a person could reveal the contours of their true nature.
Today, our Chief Inspiration Officer, Waddlesworth, waddles proudly into that tradition. In classic Wads fashion, his answers slide between earnest wisdom and unapologetic snark. He insists this is a feature, not a flaw. And we believe him.
| What is your idea of perfect happiness? | Being first in something other than the first penguin species listed as critically endangered. Despite my high-maintenance persona, having enough fish to eat would be bliss. |
| What is your greatest fear? | That I’ll die before someone finally writes my memoirs. Working title: Waddlesworth: The Tuxedoed Marvel, The Myth, The Legend. |
| What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? | Occasional moments of humility. They’re terribly inconvenient and ruin my brand. |
| What is the trait you most deplore in others? | Climate change denial. |
| Which person do you most admire? | Besides myself? The nihilist penguin. It really stumped the humans. Bravo! |
| What is your greatest extravagance? | The artificial nest gifted to me by the clever humans. It’s the protection and heat relief I need and the castle I deserve. |
| What is your current state of mind? | Mildly indignant. Elegantly alert. Ready to correct someone. |
| What do you consider the most overrated virtue? | Politeness. Especially when it’s used to mask cowardice or avoid hard truths. |
| On what occasion do you lie? | When surrounded by gulls. One must do what one must to stop these conniving eggs thieves. |
| What do you most dislike about your appearance? | Nothing. I’m a vision. Though I wouldn’t mind a bit more iridescence. For flair. |
| Which person do you most despise? | Person? How about industry? The fossil fuel industry and its greedy enablers. Have you ever seen an oiled bird? Horrible! |
| What is your greatest fear? | The African penguins will become extinct. Based on our cuteness alone, what a loss for the planet. |
| What is the quality you most like in a man? | Big feet, large wallet, loves penguins. |
| What is the quality you most like in a woman? | A sharp wit, sharper eyeliner, loves penguins. |
| Which words or phrases do you most overuse? | “Technically speaking…” and “I’m surrounded by buffoons.” |
| What or who is the greatest love of your life? | My reflection. It gets me. |
| When and where were you happiest? | The moment I realized many humans don’t want African penguins to become extinct. |
| Which talent would you most like to have? | I’d like the ability to roll my eyes audibly. |
| If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? | Change? I’m practically perfect in every way, like Mary Poppins. |
| What do you consider your greatest achievement? | Surviving. We are critically endangered after all. |
| If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? | The Minister of Environment, Forestry and Fisheries, so that I could pass regulations that have a real impact on the survival of my species. Political posturing gives me frightful indigestion. |
| Where would you most like to live? | I live at the beach! What a silly question. |
| What is your most treasured possession? | Do we truly own anything in life? |
| What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? | Watching a penguin chick die because its parent, desperate to feed it, gave it small stones when it couldn’t find any fish. This is the desperation of a starving species. |
| What is your favorite occupation? | Correcting others. With flair. |
| What is your most marked characteristic? | My classy snark. It’s like Shakespeare and sarcasm had a baby. |
| What do you most value in your friends? | Discretion. |
| Who are your favorite writers? | Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker, and anyone who knows the difference between “your” and “you’re.” |
| Who is your hero of fiction? | Presley, the most suave (and potentially rebellious) member of the four penguin singing group in the play, Love Birds. |
| Which historical figure do you most identify with? | Lord Byron; flamboyance and notoriety. What a combination. His ability to turn existential angst into poetic gold (or at least a very compelling bray). Possibly too clever for his own good, but never too clever to stop talking about it. |
| Who are your heroes in real life? | Anyone who can walk into a room and silence it with a single eyebrow. |
| What are your favorite names? | Waddlesworth, naturally. Also Bartholomew, Tallulah, and any name that sounds like it belongs in a scandal. |
| What is it that you most dislike? | Overfishing. And mediocrity. |
| What is your greatest regret? | Entertaining even a moment of self-doubt. It was ghastly. I cured it with a nice preening session. |
| How would you like to die? | Naturally, in my sleep, not suffering while covered in oil from another oil spill, or starving to death like some of my friends. |
| What is your motto? | “Never blend in when you were born to waddle.” |